The Devil's Dictionary
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: You know you've got it made when you have an entry in the dictionary named after you.


**The Devil's Dictionary**

"Squeee!"

"Twilight?!"

It was only for a moment that Starlight Glimmer hesitated within the halls of Canterlot Castle. A moment of survival instinct kicking in. She'd heard the princess of friendship scream. Some accident might have befallen the ruler of Equestria, or worse, a deliberate act in bringing her harm. If the latter, the question thus existed as to what aid she could provide. It might be better to simply summon the Royal Guard to the princess's chambers, she reflected. After all, she was just a mere unicorn.

Such thoughts only lasted for a moment. The moment after that, she began galloping through the halls of the castle. By portraits, by stain-glass windows, past vases of flowers that were watered daily. She was one of the most powerful magic users in this land. Whatever harm had befallen the princess, she was certain she could lend at least some aid. And even if that wasn't the case, Twilight was her friend. That alone dictated action. That alone dictated that she approach the doors to the princess's chambers, and with glowing horn, burst them open before running on in.

"I'm here Twilight, I'm…here."

A scene awaited Starlight, but not the type of scene she'd been expecting. The room was completely tidy, and on the bed sat Twilight. The princess of friendship who, until she stared at the intruder, had been hugging a book.

"Starlight?" Twilight asked.

Starlight shook her head in a bid to get the crazies out of her ears. "Princess Twilight, I heard you scream, and I…" She trailed off, thinking that maybe she should have given the strategy of charging and barging two moments' thought instead of one.

"Scream? I didn't scream," Twilight said.

"Oh. Okay." Starlight struggled for words. "But I heard a sound from this room. Like a…"

"Squee?"

"Yes. A…squee."

Twilight laughed. "That's not a scream Starlight, that's a squee." She bounced off the bed and cleared her throat. "A scream has the sound of an 'ah' or an 'eee,' and can be accompanied by various words including, but not limited to, 'help me' or 'save me' or-"

"I know what a scream is Twilight," Starlight murmured.

"In contrast, a squee is just that – a squee. And while one squee can be distinguished from another squee by the length of the squee (or at least the number of eee's), a squee remains a squee as a means of expressing pleasure."

"Making exclamations during pleasure," Starlight murmured. A smirk touched her lips. "Heh, I can think of something like that."

"Excuse me?" Twilight asked.

"Never mind."

Twilight gave her 'the look', but luckily didn't go beyond that. Nevertheless, as she walked back to the bed and picked up the book on it, Starlight supposed she should shift the conversation away from veiled illusions to…certain events of the past forty-eight hours that she may or may not have had first-hoof experience in.

"So," she said. "A book. Must be…new." She looked around the walls of Twilight's chambers, all of which had bookshelves, all of which were full. _Sweet Celestia, how many trees died for this? _She wondered.

"Oh it is new," Twilight said, beaming. "I've been waiting for this to come out for a year!"

"Oh. Can I see it?"

Twilight nodded giddily and handed it over. She looked at the title, and with a raised eyebrow, read it out loud. "The Mareiam Webster's Dictionary, 575th Edition." She looked at Twilight, who was still beaming at her like Sunburst had after…certain events.

"It's great, isn't it?" Twilight asked. She levitated the book out of Starlight's hooves and began skimming through it.

"Oh yeah. Great." Starlight glanced over at one of the shelves that was close to bursting. "That your dictionary collection or something?"

"No, silly, that's my thesaurus collection. My dictionary collection is stored in a vault under the castle because there's just not enough room for over five-hundred dictionaries."

"Really? Can't imagine why."

Twilight was still smiling like a filly who'd just got her cutie mark, leaving Starlight to wonder if it would be too impolite to find an excuse to leave right now.

"Still," Twilight said. "None of those dictionaries have anything on this one."

Right now, finding that excuse had just got harder. "Oh yeah?" asked Starlight, trying to fake some enthusiasm. "Why's that?"

"Because this is the first Mareiam Webster's Dictionary in over five centuries that has me in it."

Starlight blinked. "You?"

"Yes! Me!" Twilight let out a little giggle. "Me, and all my other friends. Well, the Ponyville friends I made. Mane Six and all that." She looked set to do another squee. "I mean, all my life, I dreamed of ending up in the dictionary. And now…now it's…squeee!"

"Okay," said Starlight. "So, you're in the dictionary. That's…nice." She looked at the doors, still open. Still tempting her with freedom. "Anyway, I'm really happy for you, but I-"

"Come on," Twilight said, grabbing Starlight and shooing her onto the bed beside her. "Let's see how they described me." She began flipping the pages with her magic, not noticing how Starlight was looking at the door with yearning that she usually reserved for…well, actual ponies for one thing.

"Tempest…town…turtle…twilight…ah! Twilight!" the princess exclaimed. "Twilight – a period of time between afternoon and night." She blinked. "That's it?"

Starlight fought the urge to laugh, seeing how heartbroken her friend looked. "Um…that's okay," she said, patting Twilight on the shoulder. "I'm sure it's just a typo or something."

"But…but they said I was going to be in the dictionary," Twilight whispered. "They promised. Like, not a pinkie promise, and I never saw them put a cupcake in their eye, but…"

Starlight didn't' see any cupcakes in Twilight's eyes, but she did see the first sign of tears. Once again, she looked at the doors, before looking at her friend, before finally taking up the dictionary in her hoofs.

"Maybe it's somewhere else," Starlight murmured. "Like…huh. Interesting."

Twilight looked up at her through teary eyes. "Interesting?"

"Um, I think you needed to look one entry down," Starlight said.

Twilight beamed like the summer sun. "I'm in there?"

"Um, kinda. But-"

"Give it to me!" She grabbed it and squinted down. "Where?"

"Um, there," Starlight murmured. She tapped her hoof on the entry. "Twilighting."

"Twilighting?" Twilight squinted down even further and murmured, "twilighting. Verb. Description: Over-worrying and/or overanalysing to the point of neuroses. Source: Princess Twilight Sparkle." She drew back, her eyes no longer watering, but instead twitching. "They…they made me a verb."

"Well, technically it was Pinkie who made you a verb. I think the dictionary just ran with it."

"They made me a verb," Twilight whispered. She glared at Starlight. "Not a noun Starlight, but a verb! A dirty, common verb!"

"Common verbs aren't a thing Twilight. You're thinking of common nouns."

Twilight gave her a glare – one so withering as to make adjectives turn into adverbs so they could do something like get the hell out of dodge. Luckily (least as far as Starlight was concerned, she popped off the bed and began pacing around).

"This is unconscionable! Unconstitutional!"

"Equestria doesn't have a constitution Twilight."

"Inconceivable!"

"What? That we don't have a constitution?"

"That I'm only in the dictionary as a verb!" She yelled, glaring at Starlight.

"Um, okay," said Starlight. "That's a perfectly legitimate reason for being angry as well, I guess."

"Damn right it is!" She continued to pace round again, and Starlight picked up the dictionary. "Truth be told," she said, "I'm surprised you'd even be in the dictionary. Like, I didn't think dictionaries dealt with individuals. That's more what encyclopedias do."

"Encyclopedias? Please," Twilight said, sticking her tongue out. "Anypony can get in an encyclopedia. Even you." She unstuck her tongue. "Um, sorry. No offence."

"None taken," Starlight said, not sure if that was a lie or not – she knew that any encyclopaedic entry in her name would include the sordid aspects of her life that she'd rather move away from. She got to her hooves. "Anyway, shame about the dictionary debacle Twi, but-"

"I have to see," Twilight whispered.

"Excuse me?"

"I have to see!" She zoomed over and grabbed the dictionary. "They said my friends were in the dictionary as well. If they've done this to me, I have to see what they've done to my friends."

"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about."

"Nothing to worry about?" Twilight glared at Starlight. "They could be conjugated, or supplicated, or have dangling participles attached to their entries, or-"

_Ah, so this is twilighting. _Starlight sighed and leant back on the bed as Twilight scoured the dictionary. Thinking of a bed of the past forty-eight hours, which was much more comfy than this one and-

"Found them!"

And there went her daydream, and any hope that Twilight would stop twilighting. She opened her eyes, and saw words hovering in the air. She shifted her gaze to Twilight, who looked ready to take twilighting to the next level.

"This isn't fair," Twilight murmured.

Starlight looked at the entries, and couldn't help but smirk.

_Applejacking: Working extremely hard to the exclusion of any other consideration, including self-interest._

_Fluttershying: Applying great care to those around you; altruism to great extent._

_Piepinkie: Someone great at parties and/or delivering them_

_Raindashing: Approaching super-sonic speeds under fair skies._

_Raritized: A pony who has beautified themselves to great extent – synonymous with elegance, grace._

The smirk however, faded when she saw that Twilight had stopped twilighting, but was instead looking like…well, some fancy word for somepony who was despondent.

_Depressed? Down? Downer?_

"It isn't fair," Twilight whispered. "All my friends get positive entries but I'm stuck with twilighting."

"Eh, it's not too bad," Starlight said. "I mean, who even reads the dictionary anyway bar eggheads with way too much time on their hooves?"

Twilight glared at her.

"Or, I mean…look, you're in the dictionary, right?" Starlight asked. She picked it up, sat on the bed, and began flicking through. "Lifelong dream and all that. And besides, it's not like I…oh."

"Oh?" Twilight asked.

"Oh."

"Oh, as in, oh that's great, or oh, that's bad?"

Starlight turned the dictionary around so that Twilight could see the entry.

_Starlighting: Psychological manipulation of a large group of people to fulfil self-interest and/or alleviate self-loathing._

"Oh," Twilight said. "It's that kind of oh."

"Oh yes."

"Oh." Twilight took the dictionary away and sat on the bed besides Starlight. "You okay?"

"Oh yeah, sure."

"Right." Twilight got to her hooves, her tone, and her look establishing that she didn't believe her. "Well, this won't stand. I refuse to let you and I be in the dictionary without better entries."

"Twilight, really, it's fine."

"No, it is not fine!" Twilight began pacing around again. "I'm the ruler of Equestria! I have the right to demand what goes in and out of the dictionary! And whether it take 1984 years or more, I'm going to make sure that our dictionary entries are flattering! And just! And that they serve the future of this land! And that the language means what I say it means!"

"Twilight, you're orwelling."

"What?!"

"Orwelling." Starlight flipped the dictionary to the entry in question. "Take a look."

"Oh please, like the dictionary is even reliable these days," Twilight sneered. She nevertheless took a look at the entry, and her ears fell. "Oh. _Ohhh_."

"Yep. That kind of oh," Starlight said.

"Okay," said the princess of friendship. "So I won't start orwelling, or twilighting. But I will start starlighting the Mareiam Webster company, or there's going to be a reckoning."

"Or, you can just take solace that you made it into the dictionary at all?" Starlight asked, a strained smile on her face. "Please?"

"Hmm. Well, yes, I could do that." Twilight put a hoof to her chin. "Or, I could-"

"Great!" Starlight bounced off the bed and onto her hooves. "Well, this has been great. But I've got, um, ponies to see, and-"

"Oh, like Sunburst?"

"What? Who said anything about Sunburst? Why do you think there's anything between me and Sunburst? You trying to starlight me?!"

Twilight stared at her, and Starlight began backing out slowly.

"Like I said," she murmured, sweat gathering in her mane. "Great having this conversation now. I'm just going to go to third base."

"What?"

I mean my place! My place!" She backed out of the doors and with her magic, slammed them shut.

_That could have been better._

She shook her head.

She didn't have time to engage in twilighting.


End file.
